I prototyped the last iteration (high-side switch) and I'm happy to report that it works, in principle. In practice, not so much.
Here is the prototype, back:

and front:

(I have no training in EE, but I had etched a simple analog mux PCB in the past just out of curiosity for process -- this is my second ever PCB)
The actual components are:
Power MOSFET FQP27P06
Control MOSFET VN2222LLG
Reverse input polarity protection diode VFT2045BP-M3/4W
Regulator for RasPi works fine, board responds to M80/M81, and everything is fine with printer in idle just heating the bed. However, under full load (when printing), I get what seems to be like brownouts: LED strip visibly flickers and (I think) the steppers occasionally sound funny. I ran a 2hr print which completed, but the walls came out wavy and, in certain parts, "squished" on the Z-axis (but no layer shifts or anything). Interestingly, the problem remains after re-connecting directly to the PSU (still investigating that).
I was concerned at first about how much the diode and MOSFET heat up, until I touched the Sanguino heated bed MOSFET tab and blistered myself (even hotter, lesson learned
). My PCB's traces get hot, but not too hot (I can comfortably hold my finger on them for any amount of time), definitely not as hot as the MOSFETs. For size reference, the copper pour at bottom right (+12V output) is ~400mil wide. Also checked wires (using 16AWG, tinned) didn't see anything signs of overheating or improper connection.
Any ideas? I'm out, other than blindly trying higher rated components and/or removing the protection diode. If you see an easy fix, I might revise, otherwise I think I'll just admit my ignorance when it comes to circuits and shelf this. 